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Jul. 10th, 2008

jamesbeth

So when in doubt...kiss Craig?!

 
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Name: Whatever It Takes: The Degrassi Stamping Community
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Jul. 6th, 2008

jamesbeth

(no subject)

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch


You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus:]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There's no need to rush
It's like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It's gonna happen and it's
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You're confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you're feeling more and more frustrated
And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]

When you can't wait any longer
But there's no end in sight
when you need to find the strength
It's the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

[Chorus x2]

Today was pretty fun. Hung out with Morgan and Becka, broke the car door handle off my car. And it WASN'T my fault. My car is turning out to be an old piece of junk. Too bad I love it like crazy. I still need to give it a name. I was gonna name it 'Dude', but only Morgan and maybe Becka if she remembers would understand, and I wouldn't feel like explaining that I named my car off a guy from a television series.
No matter how awesome he was.

So we watched a movie, gorged out on pizza, and tanned at my house for approximately five minutes. I wish I could write a more detailed entry but my day was ok. I spent it with my two best friends and the only bad thing was my all out war with gramma. Whatever. She can act like a five year old for all I care, I'M not worrying about it.

 

Jul. 4th, 2008

jamesbeth

(no subject)

lena said it the best in the sisterhood movie.


Lena: [in her letter, after Kostas accuses her of being afraid to love him] He's right, Car. I am afraid. There's a part of me that wants to let him in but then I feel myself put this wall up and I don't understand why. Maybe that's what strikes me most about Kostas: that despite everything he's suffered he can still look at life in the most uncomplicated way. I've never known that kind of faith. It makes me so sad that people like Kostas and Bridget who have lost everything can still be open to love... while I, who have lost nothing, am not. 

what am i so afraid of?
what am i hiding from?
why do i care SO much what people think of me?
i shouldn't.
so i'm making a pact. right here, right now to stop.
start living my life for me.

Jun. 30th, 2008

jamesbeth

(no subject)

 my plan to take pictures EVERY DAY of this summer has failed. bombed. finitoo.
because i've had some boring days. these definetely need to change. i'm tired of sitting at home, having my mom tell me to get active. uhh i would if you know, i actually had some PLANS.
but i guess its my fault as well.

i have to call subway at 9:00 to find out if i got the job.
god, stressed much?

i had a panic attack tonight.
can you believe i actually get those? it's insane. i remember one time in school, we had this huge english castle project due and becka&morgan played a little PRANK on me, telling me they left it at home. yeah. i had a panic attack. couldn't breathe, for what seemed like five hours and i kept wheezing. i felt a little stupid afterwards, when they told me they were just joking.
but i can't believe i get freaking panic attacks.

i'm learning a lot about me this summer.
like, i used to think i was weak. that i let people walk all over me.
but this year? no. i've stood up. i've fought. and for once, i felt like i was strong. like i could handle things.
maybe not all my goals are being accomplished....but i am finding myself.

Jun. 27th, 2008

jamesbeth

(no subject)

i'm so nervous.
i shouldn't be.
but my stomach is practically gnawing and tumbling and turning.
i feel like i'm about to scream.

an interview at subway at 8:30.
it's just a job. they'll train me.
but for some idiotic reason, i am nervous as fucking hell. 

Jun. 20th, 2008

jamesbeth

(no subject)

 why do i always do this?
all. the. time.

Jun. 5th, 2008

jamesbeth

(no subject)

I HAD THE BEST FIRST DAY OF SUMMER EVER.

Seriously.
Slept in till 10.
Got a smoothie with Becka around 10 30.
Went to go take my CPT test with Morgan around 1.
And then we went back to Dunkin Donuts where silly Morgan accidentally ordered an iced LATTEE, not an iced coffee. So it wasn't free. Oh well. It was tres yummy. (:
And split a sub with Morgan.
Then went back home and worked out FOR AN HOUR.
I felt so good getting off it. Really good.

Now I'm sitting here, getting ready to upload some photos to my computer. Me, Becka, and Morgan are going to do a whole collage of Summer '08: Best Summer EVER. Mine's going to be an album on Myspace. I already have 3 photos.
:)
I'm just so excited for this upcoming summer. It's going to be amazing.

And tommorow, I have my job with Morgan. I HAVE A JOB.
Becka, sorry, I didn't come to church tonight. I'm actually not feeling so hot, so I didn't go to Morgans either. She's a wee bit pissed with me. =/
Hopefully, she'll be fine tommorow.

Ahh. Now I'm gonna just go piddle around on the computer.
:)

May. 31st, 2008

jamesbeth

(no subject)

I'm so bored.
I planned on spending Saturday (today) with my mom, and instead, my gramma keeps stealing her away.
I know, I know, that sounds petty and childish. I just feel like I haven't had a proper chance to talk to my mom or spend time with her because my gramma keeps butting in, with her complaints of how sick she is, or how mad she is about my dad or her niece, or complaining that she is SO tired and her memory just keeps disappearing. I feel like shouting, "That's because you're OLD!"

But that wouldn't be nice.
It's hard to feel sorry for her because my granny never complains. Ever. She's a tough cookie and I completely respect her.

Ack.
At least I'm getting a tan.
And I've been sticking to my workout routine. Yay me! -pats self on back-

I sound really perky, when I feel dull.
There's just nothing to DO, not until June 5th. Not until I have guranteed freedom. 

May. 26th, 2008

jamesbeth

(no subject)

WHAT THE FUCK.
i've been working so hard in math lately! getting a's and b's to raise my D.
and now i have a D+. oh thanks a LOT miss cologne.

i'm just going to throw myself into math.
as torturous as that sounds....
aaaaaaah. 

i need at least a B there.
and work a little bit harder in science. raise my c+ to a b.

aaaaaah.
school is dumb. i'm so glad summer is only a week (?) away.

May. 24th, 2008

jamesbeth

(no subject)

sometimes i feel like i'm wasting my life away.
like, i haven't experienced anything that everyone else has yet. or maybe i never will.

i'm so hungry lately but when i do eat, my stomach hurts and i can practically see my jeans getting tighter on me.
i went into my bathroom and after eating a piece of cake, i leaned over the toilet and tried to throw it up. nothing came out. i felt sick, and not just from doing that. i stayed in there and cried for about a hour. i turned the faucet on so it would seem like i was taking a shower.

this summer, i've made so many claims. what if i don't follow up with them? what if i don't return for my school new year, tanned and skinny?
i just want my family to be proud of me. for my mom. my friends. for them to look at me and not feel ashamed. be proud to say they know me.
i wish i could get rid of this empty feeling. i wish i could stop feeling this way, to feel happy and content with what i have,
i wish i didn't care about what other people thought of me. i don't belong at SRHS. sometimes, i feel like i don't even belong with my family.

all the time i hear, "becca, you're too sensitive. you care too much. you're not trying hard enough."
i'm trying really hard.

really, really hard.

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